


All of You

by Morgana_avalon



Category: Alexander (2004)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 21:00:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18374009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morgana_avalon/pseuds/Morgana_avalon
Summary: Alexander is attacked by fever and disease during his dying days and this causes Alexander to changes drastically. Bagoas finds himself alone and shunned. But there is someone who still cares about him.





	All of You

Title: All of you

Author: Morgana  
Author’s Email: morganalebeau@yahoo.com  
Web page: http://www.paranoid.nl/avalon

Pairing: Bagoas/Cassander

Rating: NC-17  
Summary: Alexander is attacked by fever and disease during his dying days and this causes Alexander to changes drastically. Bagoas finds himself alone and shunned. But there is someone who still cares about him.

Disclaimer: Oliver Stone's movie inspired my stories. No copyright infringement is intended. This is for fun, not for making money!

Warnings: Completely AU! Alexander dies in this story.

Author's notes, please read:

1\. This story is written from Cassander's POV.

2\. I also support the theory that Alexander died of typhus or malaria and that he wasn't poisoned, which Oliver Stone seemed to believe while making the movie. So the wine Alexander is drinking is *not* poisoned!

3\. I watched a documentary on National Geographic the other day and was reminded that Alexander wasn't really as nice a person as we make him to be in our stories. He was ruthless and killed/enslaved several ten thousands of people. Toward his end, he had become a megalomaniac who believed he was a living god. So, I decided to go for that version in this story as Alexander plays no huge part in it and it helped to get Bagoas and Cassander together.

4\. There is a picture that inspired this story. You can find it at http://photobucket.com/albums/y226/kyomine/alexander%20end/?action=view¤t=PDVD_196.jpg

5\. Cassander wasn't a nice person either. After Alexander died, he was responsible for Olympia's death, Roxanne's and that of Alexander's son. He *did* become King of Macedonia.

Beta read by DA, thanks a lot, sweetie!

All remaining mistakes are mine.

 

All of you

 

He is standing all by himself again, but even from this distance his eyes never leave Alexander's form. Those large, almond-shaped eyes carry rings beneath them these days. Watching over Alexander the entire time is exhausting Bagoas. Ever since Hephaistion died, Alexander has been losing his mind. Some say it is due to his mourning; that he simply cannot cope with losing Hephaistion. Others say that he contracted the same disease that killed Hephaistion and that it is only a matter of time before Alexander will join his lover in death.

 

I once heard the rumor that Alexander had promised Hephaistion to follow him into death and it looks like he is determined to keep that promise. Drunk on the heavy wine as he is, it is hard to tell if the heated expression in his eyes is due to the fever or the alcohol. It is probably a combination of both. And where does that leave Bagoas? He follows Alexander around like his shadow and is always there to take care of him. But does Alexander appreciate that? No, he sends Bagoas away like he is a stray cat.

 

I must admit that I never understood the dynamics in Alexander's relationships with Hephaistion and Bagoas. Hephaistion was a fool for allowing Bagoas into their relationship and Bagoas… He seems lost to me – he always did – though I cannot explain why.

 

As I am seated opposite Alexander, I salute him when he prepares to drink even more wine. Alexander has never known when to stop and I believe it will eventually kill him – or help the disease devastate his body. But looking at him now, I believe that Alexander wants to die. He is inviting death the way he is acting and believes that Hephaistion is waiting for him in Hades.

 

Alexander notices me and gives me a look which I cannot decipher. It is haunted.

 

I know that I look peculiar tonight. I would normally never dress in this way, but Alexander ordered us to make an effort to look 'exotic' and I did my best. Wearing these clothes feels strange. The red silk rubs against my lower body and caresses the skin of my legs. This is the kind of garment Bagoas would wear and, at first, I refused to wear this sarong, but in the end, I gave in. I do not wish to anger Alexander – he has become too unpredictable. Upsetting Alexander might get me killed. He never liked me to begin with. Honesty demands me to say that I feel the same way about him. I feel that Alexander is too volatile, too unpredictable, and much too arrogant. He has come to believe that he is a living god – Zeus' son. He has become dangerous to us all.

 

Even to Bagoas, who he has shunned since Hephaistion died.

 

~~~

 

"It is a cold night, Bagoas." Bagoas spins around – and even that he manages to do in a graceful way – and glares at me. We aren't friends. We never talk, so I understand why being addressed by me now stuns him. "Would you like some wine?" I offer him a glass of red wine, not the strong one Alexander prefers, but a sweet, light one, which does not go to the head that quickly.

 

Bagoas' only answer is to continue to glare at me. He probably thinks it will make me go away and on most evenings his tactics would work, but not tonight. "You look a bit cold and the wine might warm you." It is rather chilly out on here on the balcony. Even in Babylon the nights can grow cold and Bagoas is only wearing a robe made of thin, see-through material. Because of the material, I can see how hard his nipples are. He is cold as well, even if he won't acknowledge it. "Drink some."

 

His eyes remain suspicious and he stares at the glass of wine like it contains poisoned wine. "It is quite safe," I say and take a sip before offering it to him again.

 

"I do not drink wine."

 

I cannot help it, but my eyes widen. It is the first time ever that I hear Bagoas speak. "Why not make an exception tonight?" His eyes seek out Alexander's form and I do not need to look at my 'King' to know that he is completely drunk and making a fool of himself. "Trust me... one glass won't make you act like him."

 

"I would rather not."

 

Bagoas shivers and his long, raven hair tumbles down his chest, as if trying to keep him warm. I want to take him in my arms and warm him, but I know better than to do that.

 

‘Cassander cannot be trusted’ How many times have I heard that said about me? I know that I am not popular at Alexander's court and it was never my intention to become well-liked to begin with. I speak my mind and am often shunned for it. In Alexander's court, I am an outcast.

 

I have no idea how to keep Bagoas engaged in conversation. For years, I have dreamt about walking up to him and talking to him, but he had always looked so distant, so elusive that I was afraid I would fail. Even now that I stand in front of him, the words won't come to me.

 

"That is quite an unusual look for you."

 

Bagoas' words jolt me from my musings and I smile at him. That smile throws him off-guard. He is clearly surprised that I am smiling at him. "When Alexander commands, one must follow. Even if one does not want to do so." I remember sitting down in front of the mirror and letting one of the older eunuchs fix my clothes and hair. They still live here – some of Darius' old eunuchs. They have no place to go and the palace has become home to them.

 

"I am surprised that you let them do this to you."

 

Bagoas raises his right hand and gingerly touches my face. The gesture surprises me, but I welcome it. He is fingering the gold that has been applied to my brow and cheeks. Yes, I must look exotic to him, for when I looked into the mirror earlier, I hardly recognized myself. "It is something *you* would wear, is it not, Bagoas?" It is the first time ever that I call him by his name and I am pleased at how soft and gentle his name flows from my lips.

 

My tone surprises him and Bagoas immediately lowers his hand and takes a step away from me. I am already amazed that he touched me in the first place. "His men will take care of him tonight, like they have done the last few nights." I do not know exactly why I said that…

 

Bagoas turns away from me and watches out over Babylon. The city's skyline has not changed much since Alexander led us here that first time, but the way the people live their lives has.

 

"He no longer calls for me at night. Al'skander prefers to be alone."

 

I hear the sadness, the longing in his voice and it makes me take a step closer to him. Tonight almost seems magical – it must be for me to take this step and try to cross the distance between us – the emotional distance that is. "Sip some wine." I take hold of his right hand which is unnaturally cold and wrap his fingers around the glass.

 

Bagoas gives me another look filled with mistrust and I return the stare. But I make sure my expression is gentle, caring, and knowing.

 

"Why are you here, Cassander?"

 

Oh, that is the first time ever that my name rolled from his lips and I savor the sound. I try to answer his question honestly, but that is hard because I do not have all the answers myself. "Why? Because you looked cold and lonely and I felt lonely too."

 

Bagoas raises the glass and takes an experimental sniff.

 

I quickly reassure him. "It is not like the potent wine Alexander usually drinks. You won't become drunk after drinking one glass."

 

"Why should I trust you?"

Bagoas' question has multiple layers. Why should he trust me not to hand him drugged wine? Why should he trust me to mean him well? Why should he trust me in general? "I mean you no harm, Bagoas."

 

"It seems strange to me that you try to befriend me after so many years, Cassander." Bagoas remains undecided on whether to drink the wine or not. "You do not like Alexander – you hate him."

 

"But you are not Alexander," I say in an understanding voice. "You are Bagoas. You are right: I do not like Alexander. I do not like what he has become. He has become dangerous, Bagoas." He is so beautiful in his pain, his hurt. When I first saw him in Alexander's company, I felt mesmerized. At sixteen, Bagoas possessed an unearthly beauty and those eyes… those eyes were like liquid pools of night. They called to me then and they call me still. I feel like I never met the real Bagoas, only the person who he pretends to be. I *know* that there is a second Bagoas, the real Bagoas, who never had the chance to come into existence and I want to get to know him, the real him.

 

"He has been running a fever for two weeks now and it is growing higher. He refuses to rest, though. The doctors say that drinking wine like this will weaken him further. Death will claim him quickly." Bagoas sips the wine after uttering those words and bows his head. The dark hair acts like a curtain and keeps his face safe from my probing glance. "It started after Hephaistion died."

 

"Bagoas? Would you…?" What? What do I want from him? What has driven me out here in search of his company? He raises his head and those amazing eyes fasten their focus on me. My mouth suddenly feels dry and whatever it was that I wanted to say, escapes me. I have wanted his love for some time now – years – but I always knew I could not have it – have him. He belongs to Alexander. But Alexander is dying.

 

"I see in your eyes what it is that you want, Cassander."

 

"Do you?" Then he knows more than I do, for my feelings baffle me.

 

"I have seen it many times before. Your lust and your desire is nothing new to me."

 

The look in Bagoas' eyes turns icy cold and that expression shivers run down my spine. Is that it? Do I merely lust after him? I always thought it was more than that.

 

Suddenly, Bagoas gulps the rest of his wine in one go and then places the glass aside. The expression in his eyes still gives me the chills and I take a step away from him. I feel like I am the prey all of sudden.

 

"Why do you not take what you want? Most men did so in the past."

 

Bagoas' expression changes into a strange mixture of pride, acceptance, and shame.

 

"That is not…"

 

"Do not lie to me, Cassander. You desire my body. It is not the first time that a man would take what he wants."

 

Something about those words alarms me, but I feel paralyzed and, when he suddenly grabs hold of my hands and pulls me with him, I follow. I know the way he is taking: it leads to Alexander's rooms. "We cannot go there. What if he retires early?"

 

"Do not worry. I have my own quarters."

 

I did not know that. I thought he lived in Alexander's rooms. He continues to drag me along and I know that I should stop him, but I have wanted this for a long time. He opens the door to Alexander's rooms, pulls me to the left, and pushes me into his quarters. They are rather spartanly furnished: there is a bed, a chair, and a desk, that is all there is.

 

Bagoas still has a hold on my hands and he pulls me over to the bed. He is a vision in black and flesh. The transparent cloth does little to hide his lithe form and the raven hair dances against his skin. He is so beautiful and I thought that I would never have him, but now I am here – this is my chance.

 

And I take it. Turning the table on him, I pounce on him, press him with his back against the wall, and attack those delicate, lush lips. I put my hands on him, as I need to finally feel him. His skin is soft, like silk, but there is no mistaking that he is male. He tenses against me, but his lips and teeth part and I finally get to taste him, all of him!

 

Slowly, I register the tension in the body I am pressed against. Bagoas feels rigid in my arms, not pliable, and I pull away so I can study his eyes. The blank, accepting expression acts like a cold shower and I still my movements. I stop pressing him against the wall, create a bit more distance between us, but still keep my hands in place on his narrow hips. The hurt that stares back at me from those dark eyes tears at my very soul.

 

"What is wrong, Bagoas? Tell me." I desperately want to please and reassure him. Did I come on too strong? Was that it? I only kissed him like that because I want him so much!

 

"You kissed me on the lips."

 

Confusion, alarm, and disbelief stare at me from the depths of Bagoas' eyes. "Bagoas, I am not here to 'take' what I want. I am not." I run my fingers down his face and they settle on caressing his lips. "Why do you not share your thoughts with me?"

 

"My thoughts?"

 

Bagoas actually looks distressed and I decide to return his personal space to him. Although I regret breaking our physical contact, I do so. It does not look like he is going to follow my suggestion, so I take the lead once more. "I know that you do not like me. Nobody likes Cassander. I hear them when they call me a spoiled brat, arrogant, and a good for nothing. I let them because I do not care what they think of me. I know who and what I am, Bagoas." He is listening closely and, now that I have his full attention, I follow through. "I do not agree with Alexander and the way he does things. I speak my mind and defend my opinion. And if he and his men hate me for it, so be it. But I refuse to follow him blindly, like so many men do. Each one of us can think independently and we should do so, Bagoas. We are slave to no one."

 

My words surprise him and that distracts him enough to let go of the tension that has been building inside him. "I also do not agree with Alexander's decision to keep you close so you can warm his bed."

 

Bagoas' eyes shoot daggers at me and I am certain that if he'd had a weapon, he would have used it on me. "Peace! Hear me out first!" Bagoas is still with his back to the wall and he has no way to flee this room – he is trapped. "You deserve better than that!"

 

His eyes widen dramatically and his breath comes in loud gasps. He barely manages to control his emotions and I back away further.

 

"How do you know what I deserve, Cassander? Alexander is a King and he loves me!"

 

I hate being the one to actually speak the words aloud, but I deduce no one else ever did. "Alexander loved Hephaistion. He loves him even in death, Bagoas." My words seem to deflate his anger. His shoulders slump forward and he seems to crumble before my very eyes. I am tempted to take him into my arms, but I keep my distance instead. "I have watched you for a very long time, Bagoas, and I know you developed feelings for Alexander, but I always wondered if they were real or if you merely made yourself believe you love him." Bagoas' head jerks back and he glares at me. "I would understand if you did. Alexander is…" I know he will understand without me speaking the words aloud. Alexander is his master, even though Bagoas wears no slave collar.

 

"What do you really want from me, Cassander?"

 

Bagoas reminds me of a big feline – a leopard maybe – who is torn between running away and attacking me. This can still go both ways. My next words will decide what future lies ahead of us. "I want you, Bagoas. For now, I want you – only you." My words carry a deeper meaning than Bagoas is currently capable of understanding. Maybe in time, he will understand them fully.

 

"Then why do you not take what you want, Cassander?"

 

I sigh deeply. I feel like I am running in circles. Maybe I am approaching him the wrong way. My words do not seem to reach him, maybe my touch will. "And will you let me then, Bagoas?" I place my hands on either side of his head and probe his eyes. Their expression is unreadable.

 

"You are not the first to take what you want."

 

I nod my head – words won't get me anywhere. Instead, I let one hand glide into his long hair. I always wanted to do that – to feel its silken touch against my fingertips. Lowering my other arm, I wrap it around his waist. I pull him close, but without using any force, and this time he comes to me willingly. But I understand his surrender for what it is. Bagoas accepts this because he needs to feel some warmth, some love, and somewhere deep down in his heart he believes I am capable of giving him what he needs. I vow that I won't disappoint him.

 

Our lips touch and I kiss him slowly, gently, so unlike the first time we kissed. I am not trying to slip my tongue into his mouth, nor am I trying to pry his lips apart. It is a lazy kiss, one that will hopefully tell him that I want *all* of him. But when his eyes darken and fasten on mine, I know that he does not understand. The confusion is still there in those dark pools of midnight. "Trust yourself to me tonight, Bagoas."

 

He gives me a shaky nod and it tells me that this is not what he thought would happen once I had him to myself. He probably thought I would use and then discard him. But I am not like that. I love like I live: without compromises and to the fullest.

 

"You are so beautiful tonight." I whisper the compliment into his ear and his body begins to react to mine. He never expected me to be so gentle and to go slow.

 

"I do not understand…"

 

"Maybe in the end you will." I rest my hand at the nape of his neck and massage the column for a few minutes while staring into his eyes. Every once in a while, I nip at his bottom lip or kiss him gently. His confusion mounts and I can pinpoint the exact moment panic begins to take hold of him. I cannot afford to wait much longer and press him close against me. He hardly weighs a thing and I easily maneuver him toward the bed. Laying him down on the satin sheets, I continue to smile at him. "You are trembling, Bagoas." I have never seen him so uncertain, so afraid before.

 

"What are you doing? I thought you wanted to take me."

 

"I will, but I will do this my way." I straddle his hips and look at him. The raven hair is fanned out over the pillow and his eyes are alive with emotions. They seldom are so alive. Most of the time, they seem dead to the world. Just how much emotion has he been repressing? Leaning in closer, I kiss him again, and this time, his lips and teeth part. Instead of plunging my tongue in there, I kiss him sweetly and then explore his mouth little by little. I touch each section with the tip of my tongue and, once I am done mapping his mouth, I challenge his tongue to a tender duel. His eyes, which stare into mine, mirror his confusion, and it takes a few moments before he understands the playful challenge and reacts. I am surprised at his timid reaction. I thought he had been trained to please in bed. Or am I wrong?

 

"What are you doing to me?"

 

His words are nothing but a whisper and I smile at hearing them. He is trembling fiercely and I judge the time ready to take this to the next level. I loosen the sash that holds his robes in place and push the transparent fabric apart, baring him to my eyes and touch. Even in his twenties, Bagoas has retained his boyish figure. I run my fingers down his chest and place them palm-down against his flat abdomen. "I always wanted to do that just once."

 

My words increase the tremors that course through him and I soothe him with another kiss to his lips. I always maintain eye contact as I need to know what is going on in that head of his and I continue to caress his chest and abdomen. I then run my fingers up his flanks. His nipples are hard, though I cannot tell if that is due to the cold or my touch. "I need to taste more of you." Leaning in closer once more, I place the tip of my tongue just below his Adam's apple and then run it down his sternum, toward his belly button. He tastes of roses, spices, and…

 

I taste salt when I lick his face. Licking the skin beneath his eyes once more, I taste the salt more pronounced. "You have been crying." And much to my distress, I see that more tears are pooling in those jaded eyes. "Please do not cry, Bagoas."

 

He fights them back, but his trembling continues. Bagoas stretched his arms alongside his body and the fingers are clawing at the sheet. His reactions surprise me. But, since words did not get me anywhere before earlier, I decide once more to go for the direct approach.

 

I slide my tongue down his body until I reach his groin. The pouch that should have contained his testicles is empty and is nothing but skin. I slide my fingers beneath the sac and seek out his eyes again. To my dismay, I find tears running down his cheeks. What is upsetting him so much?

 

"What are you doing to me, Cassander?"

 

This time wonder and hope fills his voice and I dare to hope that he finally understands my intentions. "Bagoas, there is something you need to know about me." I might act all cocky and confident, but I am not. "I have never been with a man before."

 

Bagoas blinks. "Why are you telling me this?"

 

"Because I need you to take the lead. I do not want to hurt you." We are both naked now and I rest my body atop of his. I place my arms on either side of his head and probe his unfathomable eyes. I am not hard yet and neither is he, though I am not certain he is capable of having an erection. Alexander never shares such intimate details with us. "Bagoas, you will probably not believe what I am going to tell you next, but I am going to say it at any rate. I have watched you for years. I have wanted you for years. That is why it infuriates me that Alexander keeps you around to warm his bed, for you *do* deserve better."

 

He stares at me for long moments and I can almost read his thoughts. I decide to speak them aloud. "You are probably thinking why you should believe me. After all, I am Cassander. I am not Alexander… Alexander does not even consider me his friend, let alone trust me."

 

Suddenly Bagoas raises a shaky hand and places its palm against my face. His fingertips rub against the gold that is still attached to my face and I wonder how I look to him. 

 

"I do not understand you, Cassander."

 

"You do not have to, not yet, at any rate." All that matters is that he is in my arms and that is he warming beneath my touch. He felt too cold. "Will you make love with me, Bagoas? I want that. I want that with you."

 

Bagoas' hand falls back onto the mattress. "Cassander…"

 

"Are you afraid that Alexander will find out and punish you for it?" Alexander is too feverish – too obsessed with wine and Hephaistion's death these days – to notice, but I do not speak the words aloud.

 

"I am more worried about you, Cassander. What will Alexander do to you? I do not know if he will grow angry with you when he finds out that I let you take me."

 

"Let me worry about that. I can handle Alexander." Bold words, but I am certain that I can stand my ground. "And you are definitely worth fighting over." A smile settles on his features now that I have said that. "You look even more beautiful when you smile."

 

"You call me beautiful when I feel old and unattractive. Alexander has not touched me for months… He does not even want me to warm his bed in the most innocent way. He shuns my touch…"

 

"Alexander is a fool." I push my hands beneath his back, press Bagoas close to me, and slowly roll him atop of me. "I want you to touch me, Bagoas. I want to feel you."

 

A dark expression settles on Bagoas' face. "You know that I cannot perform in that way, do you not?"

 

"I suspected as much."

 

"I was too young when they castrated me… I cannot maintain an erection."

 

He seems uncertain about what I want and I know I need to tell him. "I want you to find pleasure when we make love…" His dark eyes sparkle like stars and I shift him atop of me, so he feels my erection. "I want you to be in charge of our love making."

 

"To make love…"

 

Bagoas' voice carries hidden traces of something… but what?

 

"Cassander, can it be that you are in love with me?"

 

"It took you a long time to figure that out, Bagoas." But he phrased it wrong. "I fell in love with you years ago, but I could never act upon my feelings as Alexander claimed you. I hated him for the way he treated you." I saw the way he shoved Bagoas aside each time Hephaistion returned from a mission. "He does not know what a treasure you are." I fell in love with Bagoas years ago and I have loved him ever since. For years, I thought it would be an unrequited love and, even now, I am not sure of his feelings toward me. Does he have any? Does he care about me?

 

Bagoas reaches for something. It is a glass phial, doubtlessly filled with oil. "Bagoas…" I whisper his name the moment his fingers, slick with oil, touch my erection. "Do not go too fast." I want to savor this. Again, he acts surprised.

 

"Go slowly… Make it last." I grab hold of his hands, twine our fingers, and pull him close for another kiss. I cannot get enough of his taste.

 

I do not know how he does it, but suddenly I am engulfed in his tight heat. He lowers himself onto me and I quickly use my hold on him to slow him down. "Slowly…" I have been with women, but none of those experiences compare to seeing Bagoas take me inside. "Slowly, I want you to enjoy this too."

 

Bagoas' expression is something to behold. His eyes all of a sudden look old, even ancient, and the look in them… I lack the words to describe the emotions in them. He effortlessly takes me inside and then settles in my lap. "Let go of my hands, Bagoas…" He complies and after squeezing his fingers, I place my hands against his waist. "Do not move… Please do not move…"

 

"You are nothing like I thought you would be." Bagoas' words show his surprise – his utter confusion.

 

"I do not think that there is someone who really knows me… The real Cassander… Maybe you do now…" Being inside him feels good, but something is missing. I slide my hands up his back and pull him close. Bagoas rests his upper body against mine and I claim his lips once more. "I would gladly endure eternal torment in Hades in exchange for your sweet kisses, Bagoas." He looks startled for a moment and his dark eyes simmer with some emotion that I cannot label.

 

"Do you not want me to move so you can find release?"

 

Making love makes Bagoas nervous. Is it the intimacy that I am building between us that makes him anxious? I was never interested in a quick lay. No, I want him – all of him. "I am in no rush, Bagoas. I might never experience this again, so I want it to last."

 

"Cassander, I…"

 

Whatever it is that Bagoas wants to say, he does not speak the words and that is my doing, as I run my tongue along Bagoas' upper lip. Slowly, I roll Bagoas onto his side.

 

"What are you…?" Bagoas grows quiet and waits.

 

I cannot thrust deeply in this position and that is exactly why I chose it for us to make love in. Bagoas has been hurt so many times and I do not him to hurt again. *I* do not want to be the reason for him to be in pain. Oh, those eyes. Those eyes tell me everything. They speak of pain, betrayal, fears, and even hope.

 

I make love to him slowly. I know to aim for his prostate and his moans lead me to believe that I am hitting my target. I slip my hand toward his groin and find him semi-hard. Some sort of fluid leaks from the head. Recalling what Bagoas told me earlier, namely that he cannot maintain an erection for long, I concentrate on hitting that sensitive spot inside his passage. I stroke his member at the same time, but it refuses to harden further.

 

Bagoas opens his mouth to say something, but I shush him. "I know…" I know what he wants to tell me: that it is useless for me to try to bring him to orgasm by stroking his member. "I know what to do." At least I hope so! After all, this is my first time with another male!

 

At long last, Bagoas wraps his arms and legs around me and he finally presses close. I tuck his head beneath my chin and hold him close like that. This is what I hoped our first time would be like – tender and gentle. No one really knows me, but maybe Bagoas is now beginning to understand what I am like.

 

Unexpectedly Bagoas tenses in my arms. The next moment, more fluid flows from his member and then his inner muscle contracts around my length. I resolutely sweep the jet-black hair away from his face, because I need to see his eyes. I need to know if he is faking it. But the surprised expression in them tells me all that I need to know. This is real – he climaxed. And once I know that I pleased him, I let go myself.

 

Finding release in that way – while being nestled deeply inside Bagoas – is divine. I know the truth in that instant: Bagoas is the only one for me. I laugh bitterly at the irony of our situation. But my laughter upsets Bagoas and I calm down again. I do not want to confuse him any further.

 

"You smell nice right after you come, Bagoas." In order to prove my words, I nuzzle his throat and then lick the skin. Bagoas is still trembling and he does not know what to make of our coupling. "Let me stay here a little longer." I know that I cannot sleep here. If Alexander finds me he might kill me. Or he might turn the other way and shrug his shoulders. I cannot take the risk.

 

"But not for long."

 

Bagoas gingerly touches my face and I lean into the caress, pushing against his hand. My member has softened and I slowly pull out. "Wish I had lasted longer."

 

"You lasted surprisingly long…"

 

I can tell that he wants to add something, but he acts shy all of a sudden. "You can tell me."

 

"You made me climax…"

 

"Of course I did." I finger a strand of his hair. "I said that I would make love to you and I meant it. Well, I tried my best." In spite of all the bravado that I radiate I feel insecure. I do not want to disappoint him. Bagoas grows quiet and appears to be content to run his fingers through my hair or to touch my face. I let him…

 

~~~

 

I have not spoken to Bagoas since that night – three weeks ago. Alexander took a turn for the worst and, now that I am standing at his death bed, I am more focused on Bagoas than on the dying Alexander. Alexander lived his life, took risks which got too many men killed, and chased after a ghost for his entire life. After all, Alexander is only mortal. He *is* dying and a living god no more.

 

Bagoas is at Alexander's side, as always. He places wet, cool cloths on Alexander's heated brow and does his best to alleviate Alexander's suffering. The King is dying… Within seconds, he will let go of his last breath and then his empire will fall apart. They are already fighting over who will succeed Alexander and they twist the sounds that leave Alexander's lips as he tries to name his successor.

 

I leave them to their fighting. Crateros is trying to put his name on Alexander's lips and the other Companions are trying to do the same. I want no part of it. Not now. I will attend to matters later. I know to bide my time. These men will start fighting over Alexander's empire like dogs fighting over a bone. I will get my chance later. Now, my focus must lie with Bagoas.

 

Alexander releases his last breath and the name he speaks sounds a lot like 'Hephaistion' to me. Even in death, he thinks of his dead lover and yearns to be reunited with him. I hope they will find each other again in Hades.

 

Now that Alexander is dead, mayhem erupts and they really start to fight. They throw blows at each other, trying to eliminate each other's claims before a full-blown war erupts, and Bagoas is right in the middle of it. He is trying to protect Alexander's body, as they are also fighting over who has the right to see after his remains. I need to get Bagoas out of here before the situation becomes even uglier.

 

I grab hold of his waist and pull him along. He fights me for a moment, but once he sees it is me, he stops and allows it. I pull him outside and then wrap my arms around him. I guide his face against my shoulder and hold him. "You have been strong for a long time, Bagoas, but Alexander is gone and you can start to mourn." Bagoas begins to weep softly and I rock him in my arms.

 

The noises coming from inside Alexander's room grow louder and I hear metal clashing upon metal. They must have drawn their swords then and I am relieved that I managed to get Bagoas into safety just in time.

 

Bagoas raises his head and looks at me with a tear streaked face. I feel for him.

 

"I have to go back in there… Someone needs to take care of… his remains."

 

"Bagoas, they have lost their minds. They are obsessed in acquiring their own little kingdom now that Alexander is dead. They are fighting for land, succession, and glory. They would tear you apart without giving it a second thought."

 

Bagoas blinks his eyes. "If that is so, then why are you here with me and not in there staking your claim?"

 

"I will get my chance in time. Do not worry, I have my priorities straight." 

 

"And I am it? I am your first priority?"

 

"Bagoas, you always were, but Alexander never let me." I give him a shy smile. "Remember, I love you." I tighten my hold on him. "Stay with me, Bagoas. Do not go back in there. All that awaits you there is death and the past. With me, you will find life and the future."

 

Fatigue finally catches up with Bagoas. He has been tending to Alexander for the last few weeks and has gotten little to no sleep in that time. I know that because I checked on him. It was always under the false pretence of visiting with Alexander, but in reality, I went to see Bagoas.

 

Bagoas faints. I lift him and carry him to my rooms. I will take care of him.

 

~~~

 

Bagoas wakes up two days later and the look in his eyes tells me that he feels disorientated.

 

"Where am I?" Bagoas scans the surroundings which are unfamiliar to him.

 

"You are in my rooms." I sit on the edge of his bed and place my palm atop his brow. I had asked the doctors to examine Bagoas, as I was afraid that he might have caught the same disease that killed Alexander, but they assured me that Bagoas is only exhausted.

 

"Eat something." I hand him a plate filled with already sliced fruit, cheese, and fresh bread. I also place a glass of water near him and then watch him pick at the food. "They took possession of Alexander's body."

 

"What will happen to his remains?" Bagoas pushes the plate aside and drinks the water instead.

 

"They placed it inside a sarcophagus and they want to take him to Alexandria in Egypt."

 

"That feels wrong…" Bagoas raises tired eyes.

 

"I know. He should find his last resting place in Macedonia." But I won't waste my power on fighting them over such a decision. Soon, the battle for real power will begin and that is when I must act and show my strength. For now, I can afford to concentrate on Bagoas. "What are you going to do now that Alexander is dead?"

 

Bagoas gives me a startled look. I phrased it like that on purpose. I know my question upsets him. It is what I want. Bagoas shrugs his shoulders and I feel alarmed at seeing the defeat in the gesture.

 

"I can accompany Alexander's remains to Alexandria or I can stay here." Desperation slips into his voice.

 

"You must feel terribly lost." I do not know exactly how I am going to handle this situation, but I try my best. "There is a third option, you know." Bagoas looks at me questioningly. Does he still not understand? "You can come with me and be with me."

 

"Cassander, I…"

 

"No, wait, hear me out first." I place a finger against his lips and he stops speaking. It seems I must repeat the admission I made weeks ago. "I love you and I want you at my side."

 

Bagoas raises his hand, places it atop my arm, and forces me to lower my arm onto the bed. Now that he can speak again, Bagoas says, "Cassander, your offer flatters me, but I cannot accept it."

 

"And why is that?" I am not giving up that easily!

 

"What is left of me, Cassander? I served two Kings and I saw them die. I feel old… So terribly old and I am not certain I can serve again – not even you."

 

He speaks the truth – I see in his eyes that he is worn out, that he has had enough of life, and death for that matter. It is my task to show him that he is wrong. "I do not want you to serve me in any way, Bagoas. I am not like that. I want you – all of you. Do you understand me? I love you, Bagoas!"

 

"Cassander, why me? I am so tired… I just want to lie down and die, just like Alexander did."

 

"No, you do not. You are tired, exhausted, and you need time. You need time to mourn Alexander's death and the life you used to lead. I understand that and I will give you the time you need to adjust." Can he not see how much I love him? The things I will do to know him happy?

 

Bagoas' raven hair falls in front of his face and I can no longer read his expression. I allow it. After long minutes, Bagoas pushes the strands behind his ears and looks at me. "Cassander, how can you love me?"

 

"It just happened, Bagoas. It is very easy to love you." Encouraged, I raise my hand and caress his face. "I understand that you do not love me back – yet."

 

Bagoas finally manages a weak chuckle. "You seem very confident that I will love you back one day in the future."

 

"No, I am not." I opt for honesty. "I hope you will, but even if you will never love me back, I won't desert you because of it."

 

"I do not understand any of this, Cassander."

 

"Do you like me? Even a little?"

 

"Yes, I do." Bagoas' smile brightens a bit but then fades again. "But it is still too early… Alexander's death is…"

 

"Still very close, I understand." I will give him the time he needs. I wrap my arms around him and he allows it. I hold him until his body goes limp. He has fallen asleep again and I lower him back onto the bed. I tuck the blankets around his form, place a kiss on his lips, and leave him to his rest.

 

Hopefully, in time Bagoas will love me back.

TBC

 

Title: Ghosts

Summary: Bagoas mourns Alexander's death. At the same time, Cassander tells him that he needs to return to Macedonia. Bagoas now has to make his decision, whether to follow Cassander or to stay behind in Babylon.

Author's notes:

1\. This story is written from Bagoas' POV and is the sequel to "All of You."

2\. I have taken huge liberties with the time line. In reality, Cassander doesn't become King of Macedonia until after Alexander's death.

 

Ghosts

 

"Bagoas? I managed to rescue something for you."

 

Ever since I woke up three days ago, Cassander has constantly been at my side. He only leaves when his duties demand so. He was there the first time I woke up after Alexander died and he is here now during my mourning process.

 

"What did you bring me this time?" Cassander has given me several gifts and his generosity surprises me. Everything about the man amazes me.

 

"Maybe you will recognize it?"

 

Cassander seats himself next to me on the bench and places something wrapped up in golden fabric in my lap. I do not unwrap it at once. Instead I take a moment to watch him.

 

Cassander is around my age, but his spirit is much younger than mine. I have seen too much pain, too much death, and destruction. Cassander has not seen the horrors I saw as he did not accompany Alexander on all of his campaigns. He divided his time between Babylon and Pella, where his father, Antipater, ruled in Alexander's stead until one year ago. Cassander proved himself back then when he single-handedly dealt with his potential enemies and secured the position his father had held for himself. That happened with Alexander's consent of course, but still, he must have done away with a considerable amount of enemies. Cassander is dangerous in his own right and I will never underestimate him.

 

"Why are you looking at me like that when you should be unwrapping my gift to you?" Cassander points at the parcel on my lap.

 

"I was merely wondering about you, Cassander." I have come to trust him during these last few days. I felt weak when I woke up after Alexander's death, but Cassander taking care of me has stopped me from giving up on myself. I never expected to find love in his eyes, but the emotion is always there – staring right back at me. I do not know what to make of him.

 

"About me? I hope you were thinking good thoughts."

 

Cassander still possesses his boyish charm when he wants to and makes me smile, even when I feel depressed. His eyes, which can take on different colors ranging from dark blue to the lightest green, intrigue me. He is a complex character and for some reason I feel attracted to him. "Would you like that?" Am I really flirting? Have I ever flirted before? Yes, because my duties called for it, but out of my own free will? I do not think so.

 

"You know I would. And now unwrap your present."

 

Cassander places his hand atop of mine and pushes it toward the present. I slowly begin to unwrap the item, which feels heavy. While I am doing this, I peek at him. He is wearing his shoulder long, auburn hair loose today and is dressed informally in only a white tunic.

 

"You are still looking at me, Bagoas." The smile on his face turns wicked.

 

"I was merely remembering the way you looked that night." I am certain he understands which night I am referring to. "I never saw you dressed like that before."

 

"You liked seeing me like that," Cassander comments, grinning smugly.

 

His grin makes me nod my head. I lower my gaze, but am still smiling. The way I react to him baffles me. Alexander just died and I am mourning the loss, and yet, Cassander keeps me from dying inside. His energy, zest for life, and, even more importantly, his love for me, keep me hanging on. I finally unwrap the present and find I am holding a book – a very familiar book. "Is this…?"

 

"It is Alexander's copy of the ‘Iliad’. I managed to save it when they cleaned out his rooms."

 

"They cleaned out his rooms? Why was I not told?" I should have been there to see to it that everything was handled with care and respect!

 

"Alexander is dead, his empire is crumbling, and everyone is leaving – either to their new lands or back home."

 

Cassander's hand still rests atop of mine and slowly his fingers curl around mine. I press Alexander's book close to my chest and try to control my raging emotions. I do not know what will become of me and that frightens me. My future has never been so uncertain before.

 

"I will leave for home in a few days, Bagoas. I wish I could give you more time to make up your mind, but I cannot linger here much longer. I need to return to Macedonia. I have already been away too long."

 

I shyly raise my head. "You do not wish to rule Persia?"

 

"Macedonia is my home, Bagoas. I am a stranger here. Everyone who came here with Alexander is. We do not belong here."

 

"I thought you were ambitious, Cassander." I did not intend to speak the words aloud, but they slip past my lips at any rate.

 

"Yes, I am ambitious, but I only desire to rule my homeland, Bagoas."

 

Cassander gives me a thoughtful look and then says, "You are beginning to look healthier, Bagoas. You are not so pale anymore and the rings beneath your eyes are fading."

 

"That is because you are taking such good care of me." Unable to maintain eye contact any longer because of the intense emotion flashing from his eyes, I stare at the book instead. I lost track of the times I saw Alexander read it. Alexander even made the effort to teach me to read Greek, but I was not that quick of a study. He got me a teacher once it became clear that I would not pick up on the language quickly, but I always preferred for Alexander to read the story to me. It was one of the few things that always calmed him down – that always got him in a peaceful mood.

 

"Bagoas? I do not want to pressure you, but have you given my question some thought?"

 

Cassander guides my hand to his chest and presses it close to where his heart is beating. The expression in his eyes speaks of hope, but also of acceptance. This man will accept whatever decision I make. "You mystify me," I say instead of answering his question. Cassander can be as ruthless as Alexander when the situation calls for it, but, whenever he looks at me, he looks at me with love.

 

All I get as an answer is another smile and a gentle squeeze delivered to my fingers. I let my thoughts drift. "You are a King are you not, Cassander?" I would be serving another King if I accepted his offer.

 

"Only in Macedonia, Bagoas. I do not desire to rule a larger kingdom. I want what is best for my people, and yes, I will kill if that is in the best interest of my people."

 

He is brutally honest and I appreciate that. What you see is what you get with Cassander. "You would be the third King I would serve." Cassander quickly shakes his head though.

 

"Not serve. I do not want you to serve me... to wait on me, like you did with Alexander."

 

"What *do*you want then, Cassander?" He raises my hand once more, guides it to his lips, and presses a kiss on the back. No one has ever been this gentle with me before – not Darius, not even Alexander.

 

"I want all of you," Cassander replies, "If you want to live with me in my palace, you will. If you prefer to live on the country side, in your own little cottage, I will arrange for it. I want the real Bagoas to come out."

 

His last sentence utterly confuses me. "The real Bagoas?" Cassander nods his head and grins. Those are all the answers I will get, it seems. "Cassander, I do not know what I should do." In a way, I am asking him for guidance and I wonder what he will say next.

 

"If I were you, Bagoas, I would not stay here where so many ghosts of the past linger. When you walk those rooms that once belonged to Alexander, you will remember him. You will never be able to move on. You will continue to mourn him. The past will entrap you."

 

"And when I go with you?" I see the truth in Cassander's words, but leaving Babylon strikes me with terror. I would be closing a major chapter in the book of my life.

 

"When you come with me, I will make you happy. I cannot promise you that you will have me all the time. Sometimes, duty will call me away and I might have to marry to fortify certain alliances, but that would be a marriage on paper only."

 

He sounds genuine and passionate and I wonder what I should do. I have reached a crossroad in my life and, should I turn left, I will remain trapped in the past. Turning right however means upending my life. Cassander is right: I would become someone else. I would have to change in order to survive. The prospect of undergoing such a change scares me though.

 

"You do not have to answer now."

 

Cassander, unnoticed, had moved closer and manages to wrap an arm around my waist. He pulls me close and I find no reason to reject what he is offering. I rest my head against his shoulder and, while I sit there like that, a peaceful feeling which I have never known before comes over me. I close my eyes and say, "Will you read to me?" I hand him the ‘Iliad’ and he accepts.

 

"If that will make you happy…" Cassander opens the worn book and begins to read to me. His voice is calm, sensual, and warm. I like hearing it. I like *him*. I never thought I would.

 

~~~

 

That night, Cassander slips between the covers and curls himself around me. I had to invite him into his own bed that first night after I woke up. Cassander had made way to sleep on the floor when I sat upright and asked him why he was doing that. He told me that he did not want to impose on me, certainly not when I was feeling so emotional. He stood there naked, his eyes glowing with emotion, and his hair dancing on his shoulders. I could not let him sleep on the floor and asked him to join me, which he eventually did. We have been sleeping in the same bed ever since, naked, but chaste. He still has to touch me in an intimate way again.

 

He lies facing me. His face is only an inch away from mine and his hand rests on my hip. Those long fingers caress my skin in an innocent way. I have not seen him aroused during these last few days. I wonder if he touches himself and does away with his need that way.

 

"Try to sleep, Bagoas."

 

His voice is a bit raw from reading to me all evening. Earlier on, I fell asleep listening to his voice and, although I was oblivious to the world, he did not stop reading aloud. I am beginning to believe that he genuinely cares about me. "When will you leave for Pella?"

 

"The day after tomorrow."

 

It is all the time I have left to make my decision.

 

~~~

 

I inspect Alexander's rooms the next day. They are empty – the servants cleaned them all out. Nothing is left that reminds me of Alexander, or of the fact that I had lived here. This also makes it painfully clear that I am homeless. My belongings have also been removed.

 

I leave Alexander's rooms and wander through the palace. The vast, spacious rooms seem empty to me, even though they are busy and crowded with people. No one seems to notice me, or greets me. I feel like a ghost, walking among the living. But I am not dead yet.

 

Cassander's words are true: there is nothing left for me here. Alexander's spirit is gone and his 'successors' are still fighting over land rights. No one seems interested in trying to take Macedonia away from Cassander and I realize how smart Cassander's move is. Alexander's former Companions are fighting over bigger glory than Macedonia, which appears to be nothing more than a worthless province when I hear them talk about their home.

 

"I have been searching for you, Bagoas."

 

Cassander suddenly appears to my right, dressed in his uniform with a cloak draped over his shoulders.

 

"Why are you dressed like that?"

 

"I am leaving tonight. Something has happened back home and my advisors urge me to return as quickly as I can."

 

Cassander guides me into the corridor where we are safe from curious eyes and ears. "You are leaving tonight." I repeat this information in a thoughtful voice.

 

"Bagoas, do you know what you want? Do you want to stay here? Or will you come with me?"

 

Large, blue eyes look at me with hope. "I have walked these rooms all day and I asked myself what keeps me here." Cassander is holding his breath and looks at me expectantly. "I found nothing." The breath he has been holding now leaves his lips and the first hint of a smile forms on his face. "But I am not ready to become your…?" What? What does he want me to be?

 

"My lover," Cassander quickly interjects, still smiling.

 

"I am not ready to become your lover yet. You have been very kind, very understanding so far, and I know that you hope that I will return your love, but I cannot. Not yet. I am not sure I ever can. I feel broken, Cassander." It is one of the longest speeches I have ever given. I am not used to talking so much. "I have only just started to mourn Alexander's death and the end of my life here."

 

"I told you before and I am telling you again now – I will be patient. You have all the time you need. In the meantime, I hope you will allow me to be your friend, a very close friend."

 

He draws me into his embrace and I accept it, because what I need the most right now *is* exactly that: a friend.

 

~~~

 

"You will be warmer if you snuggle up to me."

 

Cassander's suggestion makes my eyebrow rise. We have been on the road for one week now and Cassander cares little about the looks his men gives us whenever we sit so close together that it looks like we are snuggling. Cassander is already seated on the ground near the fire his men built and raises his right hand to pull me down. I give in and accept his offering, huddling next to him. Cassander wraps an arm around me and I rest my head against his shoulder. I am cold and tired. I am not used to being on the road any more. It was different when I accompanied Alexander on his campaigns. Maybe I have grown old in the mean time.

 

"You will like living in Pella," Cassander says as he plays with a strand of my hair, which he twirls around his finger."I will find the perfect little house for you and then you can settle down." I told him that I do not want to live in a palace ever again and he accepts that – like he accepts everything I say. He is almost too good to be true. "Cassander?"

 

"I love the way you say my name."

 

His lips find my brow and press a kiss onto there. His soldiers have seen him kiss me before and do not react. "Do you really want nothing in return?"

 

"In return for what?" Cassander briefly pulls away and gives me a probing look. "Bagoas, you owe me nothing. You are not a slave."

 

How long will it take me to convince myself of that?

 

~~~

 

I only stay at the palace in Pella for three days. That is necessary because Cassander needs to take care of urgent matters which cannot wait. I stay in his personal chambers during those days and no one bothers me. Slowly, my unrest leaves me and I know it has everything to do with Cassander's presence.

 

"Do you still want to live alone?"

 

It is my third night in Pella and he is holding me. I am ready to drift off into sleep, but his question causes me to blink. "Yes, I am." Seeing that he needs more of an answer than that I add, "I like your company, Cassander. You have helped me to find a balance within myself, but I cannot stay here. Courts are the same wherever I go. They are full of intrigue, lies, and manipulation and I have grown tired of them." Does he understand?

"You need peace and quiet instead." Cassander's eyes though are darkening and I have learned that such a change means that he is worried. If he decides to keep me here, there is not much I can do to stop him.

 

"I found a home for you, Bagoas."

 

The fact that he uses the word 'home' instead of 'house' makes me frown.

 

"It is located a day's ride from here, far away enough to keep the scheming of the court away from you. It has a lovely view of the mountains and I know you will love the way their tops glow white when they are covered in snow during winter."

 

"When will I be leaving?" I cannot wait to see it myself!

 

"Tomorrow… That is fast enough, do you not think so?" Cassander is lost in thought and that is the only reason why he bares his thoughts to me. "At least that way I still get to hold you tonight."

 

"I will miss you." Cassander has grown dear to me during these last few weeks. He gives me strength and support when I need it and he asks for nothing in return.

 

"And I will miss you, but I comfort myself with the thought that you will finally get the opportunity to find peace. Who knows, maybe you will invite me over to visit one day, and when you do, it will be the real – freed – Bagoas that will await me."

 

"How can you be so ruthless towards others and so understanding with me?" Cassander told me yesterday that he had Alexander's mother, Olympias, executed and I suspect more members of Alexander's family will follow. I have seen it too many times before to feel shocked by Cassander's behavior. Most rulers eradicate potential threats to their throne and Cassander is no exception.

 

"Olympias has always been too dangerous. Philip should have dealt with her a long time ago. He might have been alive today if he had. He was a foolish man. His unwillingness to deal with her resulted in his death."

 

I am careful not to voice my opinion in this matter. Alexander's family does not concern me.

 

~~~

 

"Do you like it here?"

 

Cassander ordered his escort to remain at a distance so we still have some privacy. He stands behind me and has wrapped his arms around me.

 

"Is this what you want?"

 

"It is." The house will do. It has everything I need: a bed, some furniture and, something I did not expect, a library. Cassander knows I love to read and had books brought here. "It is perfect."

 

Cassander takes my hand and leads me to the other side of the house, where I find a small stable, complete with a horse, chickens, and pigeons. "Cassander…"

 

"The horse is here in case of an emergency so you can leave. I do not expect evil to befall you though. You have no enemies, but I want to make certain."

 

I nod my head to show I understand.

 

"The pigeons will find their way back to the palace in case you need to contact me. Write me a note and they will carry it to me. I will hurry to you."

 

"Thank you for doing this for me." I take the initiative and turn him around until we are face to face. I place my hands on either side of his head and probe his eyes, which are a muddy green. I have not seen that shade before.

 

He shuffles his feet and takes a step away from me. I am forced to let go of him and my hands return to my sides.

 

"Saying goodbye is hard," Cassander mumbles beneath his breath.

 

His gaze is still fastened on mine and I smile reassuringly. Something tells me that this is not goodbye. "Then do not say so. We will meet again, Cassander." His expression brightens at once and the eyes now sparkle as well. They remind me of emeralds. "Do not give up hope yet."

 

"I won't," Cassander promises.

 

Then he takes me by surprise by reaching for me and kissing me surprisingly hard.

 

"I love you, Bagoas, and I will wait for you."

 

I wonder if I could do the same if I were in his shoes.

 

~~~

 

The next morning, the singing of the birds wakes me. They start their song at sunrise and it draws me from my bed. I did not bother to undress last night and went to sleep atop the covers. As I make my way outside, my heart misses a beat at the sight that greets me. The sun's golden rays touch the tops of the snow-covered mountains and for one moment I am back in India. It was cold there and the snow would blind me. Alexander's ghost is suddenly very near and I fall to my knees.

 

I do not know where the tears are coming from all of a sudden, but I burst out into sobs. I weep for a long time. In the end, the warm rays of the sun touch my face and bring me out of my stupor. I push myself to my feet and go back inside. I sit down and uncover Alexander's ‘Iliad’.

 

Alexander is merely one of the ghosts who haunt me. There are so many of them. My family, Darius, Hephaistion, Alexander, even Cassander. They all seem to melt into one vortex and I struggle to drag myself from its devastating pull. I need to separate the living from the dead.

 

~~~

 

It is a gradual process that follows. Little by little I allow in the pain and I mourn my losses. It is painful, it is grueling, but it is something that I need to do.

 

Days pass by slowly, but they eventually change into weeks. In the third week, a messenger delivers a letter from Cassander. My fingers tremble when I open it. I sit down and read it. It is not the love letter I expected it to be. Its tone is distant, but then again, the message he is conveying calls for such distance. Cassander never tried to hide anything from me and tells me the truth now as well. He has imprisoned Roxanne and her young son. I understand that they are a threat to him. Although no Greek noble man will acknowledge her son as the lawful heir, as she is not of Greek birth, the threat remains. He also speaks of his marriage to Thessalonica, Alexander's half-sister and, once again, I understand his reasons for doing so. But it is the last few lines that catch my attention.

 

I do not love her, Bagoas, but the marriage is a necessity for it will erase all doubt about my claim to the throne of Macedonia. I would rather have you at my side though.

 

Bagoas, I miss you.

 

"I am sorry, Cassander, but I need more time. I have only just begun to confront my ghosts."

 

~~~

 

I do not reply to his letter and fall into a routine which makes me feel content and at peace. In the morning, I run and practice my dancing to keep in shape. At noon, I busy myself picking berries and other fruit for my lunch, and during the evening, I sit near the fire place and watch the fire dance to its own melody. Sometimes, I read.

 

When it is late at night and I look up from staring into the flames for too long, I see the ghosts standing in my room. Alexander is always there, just looking at me. Hephaistion usually sits in the window sill opposite me, giving me a smile which I cannot decipher. Darius has always been more transparent than the others and is slowly fading from my mind's eye. The ghosts of my family were the first to go and they leave me alone now.

 

But Alexander and Hephaistion remain.

 

~~~

Three months later, another letter from Cassander arrives. It carries a formal tone once more. Apparently everything has calmed down now that Cassander is married to Alexander's half-sister. He has also formed new alliances and the throne of Macedonia is now truly his. Yet, the letter does not breathe any happiness and there are those lines again…

 

I miss you, Bagoas, and I wish you were here with me.

 

I love you still.

 

I raise the letter to my lips and press a kiss onto the parchment. Then, I put the scroll in a safe place, so I can read his words again whenever I want to.

 

~~~

 

"What do you want from me, Hephaistion? You are dead. Why are you still haunting me?" I decide to confront him first. Confronting Alexander will be the hardest and I am not yet ready to do that.

 

I am here because you called me, Bagoas. You are the one with the answers.

 

Hephaistion's voice sounds very real to me.

 

What do you need from me, Bagoas?

 

Do I need something from him?

 

His ghost fades unexpectedly and leaves me to my thoughts.

 

~~~

 

The next evening, Hephaistion is back. He seems more real to me than ever before and I raise a hand, trying to touch him. But he is not there – he is nothing but a ghost.

 

Do you know what you need from me, Bagoas? There must be a reason why you keep summoning my spirit here.

 

"Maybe there is." I feel awkward about speaking aloud, but there is no one who can hear me. "Maybe I need your forgiveness."

 

My forgiveness?

 

"I wronged you in life, Hephaistion. The time has come for me to make peace with my past. Please forgive me for the way I acted toward you. Give me peace." His forgiveness is what I need the most. His ghost smiles at me and for one moment those bright blue eyes become alive.

 

I forgive you, Bagoas. Be at peace and live your life. Always remember that you are not dead. You still belong to the living. Treasure that gift.

 

And with those words, his spirit vanishes. I know for certain that his ghost will never torment me again.

 

~~~

 

But there is still one ghost that I need to face – Alexander, but I lack the strength and courage to do so yet.

 

~~~

 

I head outside for a long walk. I find a stream nearby and sit down to stare at the gentle flow of the water. Everything is calm and serene around me, and I watch the rabbits hopping in the grass. In that moment, everything becomes lucidly clear to me. I am still at the crossroad which I had faced in Babylon. Yes, I had decided to leave Babylon, but I did not break free. It has taken me this long to finally understand what Cassander has been trying to tell me. The real Bagoas is ready to leave on this wonderful journey called life and I cannot restrain him any longer.

 

~~~

 

Exactly six months later, I confront my last ghost – Alexander. I wait for the darkness to fall, because during the night, it is easier to call his spirit to me. I do not have to wait long. He appears opposite me, standing in the prime of his life, and stares at me with a curious expression.

 

I was wondering how much longer it would take you to finally talk to me.

 

I swallow nervously. Am I losing my mind? I can see him so clearly – so vividly!

 

Do not fear me, Bagoas. You had no reason to fear me in life and you are in no danger now that I am dead.

 

"Alexander, I… I need to move on, but I do not know how." I have to cling to the hope that I have not lost my mind and that I am somehow communicating with Alexander's spirit.

 

You know how, Bagoas. Do not play coy with me. Do you not think you have kept Cassander waiting long enough? I must admit your choice surprised me. I did not think you would be drawn to him.

 

"Alexander… I did not expect for that to happen either. But there is something about him that draws me in."

 

He reminds me a bit of myself when I was younger – and alive. He is ambitious, intelligent, and merciless when the situation calls for it. But he is not me, Bagoas. Cassander and I are very different.

 

I nod my head and devour his words.

 

Cassander is not driven like I was. He is content to stay at home and care for his people. His methods resemble mine, but that is where the comparison stops. He really loves you, Bagoas. He loves you enough to set you free.

 

I lower my gaze, but still sense his presence. "Do you think his love is true?" Suddenly, I start. Alexander is standing in front of me, only inches away, and I swear I can feel the cold he radiates.

 

Yes, Cassander loves you. He loved you for years. When I was still alive I saw him look at you and I felt delighted that he could not have you... that you belonged to me.

 

Alexander's admission surprises me. "But why?"

 

I did not want you to be unhappy, Bagoas. Had it been anyone else I might have let you go, but Cassander… I disliked him greatly.

 

"You disliked him *because* he reminded you of you when you were young."

 

Alexander nods his head and his translucent eyes fasten their gaze on me.

 

You asked Hephaistion for forgiveness and he granted it. With us, it is the other way around. I need to ask you for your forgiveness, for I wronged you. I should have set you free when I realized Cassander loved you.

 

"But I belonged to you."

 

A ghostly sigh floats through the room. Can you forgive me, Bagoas? Will you set my spirit free? By doing so, you will free your own as well.

 

The moment I hear his words, I know they are true. "You are forgiven, Alexander. Be at peace. Do not let your past actions haunt you." His form briefly flickers in front of me and then a second form materializes, one I know very well. It is Hephaistion and he is smiling at me. I will always remember them like that – standing there, smiling at me, and Hephaistion pulling Alexander along with him until their forms have faded and nothing of their spirits remains behind.

 

I am finally free and so are they.

 

~~~

 

The next morning, I sit down at the desk, uncover parchment, quill, and ink and begin to write. Hopefully, Cassander has not given up on me yet.

 

~~~

 

The pigeon takes off in the direction of Pella. I secured my message to her foot and I pray to the gods that my letter will reach Cassander shortly.

 

~~~

 

The next day I feel excited and depressed at the same time. Will Cassander reply to my letter? Will he come here, like I asked him to? Or has he given up on me and did he find happiness in his wife's arms after all?

 

The sun rises higher and her rays warm me. I undress, save for my loincloth, and begin to stretch and loosen my muscles. I neglected my body and my dancing, and it is about time I make up for it.

 

After going through a series of exercises, I set my spirit free and let the dance take control of me. I am dancing because I want to dance and not because someone ordered me to do so. I am not trying to please anyone. I dance because I want to dance and that realization sets me free.

 

"You look even more beautiful than I remember."

 

Cassander's voice, unexpected and loud, makes me halt in my movement. He is here. I am panting hard due to my dancing and do not dare to turn around to face him. He is walking up to me from behind – I hear his footsteps.

 

"I received your message. You asked me to come here and now that I am here, I wonder why you summoned me. You did not say so in your message. It only said, 'Come to me'."

 

I slowly turn around and look at him. He has not changed much. His hair has grown longer and he sports a few wrinkles, but the eyes are still the same – alive with emotion. He still wears the leather band around his head that keeps his hair from falling into his face. No golden crown for this King… No showing off when he is around me. Looking into those eyes, I know that his love is true, just like Alexander assured me. "Cassander… I hoped you would come." I am not touching him yet; I want to, but cannot yet… We need to talk first.

 

"Why would I not come? I told you I would hurry here… You only had to say the word."

 

His eyes, a lucid blue now, sparkle, and his expression speaks of love and adoration when his gaze comes to rest on me. He still wants me. He still loves me. "I was not ready to talk to you until now."

 

"Only six months have passed since you moved in here. I told you before that I understand that you need time."

 

But his hands betray him. They are clenching and unclenching at his side. He is doing his best not to touch me and then I realize how I must look to him. I am as good as naked, my body is covered in a thin film of sweat, and my hair is a tangled mess. My eyes probably glister with the passion dancing awoke in me. I must be a real temptation to him.

 

"Bagoas? Did I say something that displeased you?"

 

My silence has made him uncomfortable. "No, you did not, Cassander. I am only trying to find the right words to tell you that…"

 

"What?" Anxiously, he takes another step closer to me. He is drawn to me like a moth to the flame.

 

"I have made my peace with my past, Cassander. I finally faced my ghosts and they have released me from their hold. When I sit alone at night, they no longer haunt me. I am ready to move on."

 

Cassander involuntarily holds his breath throughout my speech and I move closer to him. I rest the palm of one hand against his chest, and let the fingers of my other hand slide into his hair. "You wanted to meet the real Bagoas – at least you said so. I am here now."

 

"And do you…?" Cassander turns shy all of a sudden.

 

"Do I love you? Yes, I do. It has taken me a while to understand and accept that." Suddenly, he grabs hold of me and pulls me against his chest. I allow it, smile against the fabric of his tunic, and enjoy being held so close – so tight.

 

"I always wanted to hear you say those words." Cassander places a kiss on the crown of my head, and then adds, "I know I am not perfect, Bagoas. I have my flaws and my weaknesses, just like anyone else. But I will try my hardest to make you happy and to never hurt you."

 

He tenses against me and I complete the embrace by wrapping my arms around him.

 

"We won't be together all the time… I wish I could, but I cannot. There will be times when I have to leave. I am also needed to rule my people, Bagoas, but I will always hurry back to you. Is that good enough for you?"

 

I raise my head and look him in the eye. "All I want you is you, Cassander, your love. I do not need your throne, your power, or your alliances. I want *you* -- all of you – the man, not the King."

 

"You already have it, Bagoas… You always did – All of me."

 

Raising my head, I stare at the snow-covered tops of the mountains. This is my home. This is where I will be happy with Cassander. This is where I will grow old and eventually die. This is where Cassander will bury me.

 

But none of that matters yet, for we still have many years of love and life ahead of us.

 

The End!


End file.
